The Egg Lady - By Brian Law

As he turned the last corner before the end of his morning walk, a nondescript white van pulled-up alongside him and the young woman driving it yelled out, “Hey, I’m the Egg Lady. You need some?” 

He stopped, looked over at her and through his mask asked, “You take credit cards?” 

“Sure do,” she said as she pulled the van to the curb, shut off the engine, got out and went to the rear doors. “Okay, how many dozen you want?” she asked. 

“Uh, I’ll take two dozen of the large, please,” he responded, and as she opened the door to the refrigerated compartment, he wondered, “So, you’ve been doing this since the Pandemic started, huh?” 

She was about half inside the rear compartment and he could just hear her say, “Yeah, and business is booming, too! Had to add a bunch of hens. I’m driving around all day while my husband tends to our roadside stall out on Chalk Lane.” She crawled back onto the pavement with the order and asked, “Anything else before I ring you up?” 

He was a bit confused as he asked, “You mean you got stuff other than just eggs in there? Like what?” 

As she closed and locked the rear doors, she looked around as she moved closer to him. “Yeah, well we’ve diversified a bit to meet the emerging needs of a locked-down society, if you know what I mean?” 

“You got any red meat?” he asked hopefully. 

“Yep, and some pork, too.” 

“Liquor?” 

“Three brands of beer, some rum and a few bottles of red wine. That’s about it for the booze? 

“Uh,” he paused for a moment, and then asked, “Anything to spice up the life in the bedroom, if you know what I mean?” 

“Oh, sure. Sex toys, porn videos, lubes, poppers, cosplay stuff, things like that.” She asked him to think about what she’d just told him but to also consider some other stuff that she just got in yesterday. “Look, the political situation is getting dicey, right? So, I got some ‘Black Lives Matter’ lawn signs, or, depending upon the situation, I just got in some confederate flags and some ‘Support Your Local Police’‘ signs. Oh, and some Oxy and some killer weed!” 

“Whew, that’s a lot to think about! But what I really need is a . . . “ he said, making a gesture with his right hand. 

“Ah, well, I got a used 9mm somewhere in here. I can get the ammo for it to you tomorrow. You ready to order?” 

He told her what he wanted, but asked a key question, “How will all this show up on my credit card statement?” 

“Okay, the weapons, the signs and the drugs will show up as ‘Merchandise’. Let’s see, the sex toys and lubes show up as ‘Miscellaneous’, I think, and the booze, meat, and eggs show up as ‘Produce’,” she confidently answered. 

“Great,” he exclaimed. “Now, follow me to my house and I’ll take delivery, okay? But, what about next time? You got new stuff coming in that maybe I’ll want?” 

“Yeah, I got some bootleg copies of “Cops” and “Live PD” coming in. These are episodes that were going to be aired but got cancelled. Oh, and some phony mail-in Republican ballots for the Fall election. I can get you a hundred by Friday. Guaranteed to pass the closest inspection!” 

“How about two hundred ballots plus the CDs?” he asked, a twinkle in his eye. "I got a big bet on the Fall election with a real jerk of a Democrat down the street." 

End

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