Cleansing - By Brian Law

“Hi, Missy. This is Bob Watkins from Santa Rosa. You remember me. My wife and I are coming to the ‘Spa’  this weekend and we wanted to make reservations,” he said into his phone. 

“Oh, hi, Bob. Sure, let me just get my appointments calendar out here. Now, what are you two going to want as far as our services are concerned, “ Missy answered. 

“The usual. I want a mud bath and massage on Saturday, and so does my wife. And on Sunday we’d both like the hot rocks and a steam bath,” Bob requested. 

“No problem. I’ll book you Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. As I recall, that’s sort of what you prefer,” she replied. 

“Sounds good, Missy. See you then,” Bob responded. But just before he hung up, Missy came back with, “We have something new this year, Bob. We’ve developed it especially for our older clientele. I think you and your wife might be interested. Want to hear some more about it?” Missy teased. 

“Sure, why not. We have the whole weekend, Missy.” 

“Well, it’s called a “Soul Cleansing” and it takes about two hours and we charge $125 per customer. It’s really wonderful and our clients rave about it, Bob,” she gushed. 

“Did I hear you correctly? A ‘Soul Cleansing'? You’d better explain that a bit more, Missy. But I’m interested. I mean at my age who wouldn’t?” Bob responded. 

“We have purchased a device that you sit in and it detects the condition of your soul. It rates your soul’s condition on a scale of 1 to 10. One being that you’re basically going to Hell, Bob. And 10 being you won’t need to pay the $125. But for anything in between, we put you through a series of processes that basically wash away many of the impurities on your soul. Then we put you back in the device and you can see the improvement in your soul’s condition. Interested, Bob?” Missy explained. 

There was a pause on his end of the line as he thought about what to say next. “Missy let’s say I get into the device and my number is 1. What is the typical improvement after the two hour treatment? “ Bob wondered. 

“That’s a great question, Bob, and I’ll tell you why. Since there’s no number lower than 1, we’ve discovered that your individual improvement depends upon how deeply depressed the condition of your soul really is. Some people who register 1 are just really shallow 1’s. But some are really degraded 1’s. So, how much you improve depends upon how bad a life you’ve lived.” She paused and then probed a bit, “Bob, what are we looking at here? Have you lived a really bad life?” 

Bob breathed deeply as he contemplated his answer. “Look, I wasn’t a monster or anything, okay? But I’m not proud of much of what I’ve done in my life, Missy. So, let’s just assume my soul is a middling 1. What kind of improvement might I achieve?” 

He could hear Missy talking to someone in the background before she came back on the line, “Bob, I just talked to the device operator and he thinks you might get to a 4 number. Still, that’s  a pretty good improvement for just $125.” 

“That’s good to know, Missy. Now, just two questions. First, if I do the process on Saturday and get to a 4, can I go back in on Sunday and do it again, hoping maybe to raise that to a 7? And second, if my wife also goes through the process and she gets a high number, say like an 8, will it change her personality? I mean will we still have the same relationship as before? She won’t, like, become saintly or anything, will she?” 

Missy laughed a bit on her end of the line and then answered Bob’s two questions. “You can do ‘back-to-backs’, Bob, and you will get a bump with the second process. As far as your wife, we make sure both husband and wife leave the ‘Spa’ with the same soul number. We’ve discovered that if we don’t do that, some marital problems creep in later on. So, we make sure everyone is simpatico on a soul level when they leave. So, what do you say, Bob? Have I convinced you to try our ‘Soul Cleansing’ process?” 

She’d had enough experience selling this process to know it wasn’t always a slam dunk. And she thought she probably knew what was going on in Bob’s mind as she waited for his response. So she took a chance and asked one last question, “Bob, are you concerned about your ability to sell cars after you leave the ‘Spa’? Is that what’s concerning you?” 

“Frankly, Missy, yes, that’s it precisely. I’m kinda torn between what’s going to happen after I die and how I’m going to make a living before that. Does that make sense to you?” Bob lamented. 

“It sure does, Bob. So here’s what I’m going to recommend. Why don’t you wait until you retire before getting the process? That way you can have the best of both worlds. You can still sell the hell out of cars and get into heaven when you die. Sound like a good solution to you, Bob?” Missy proposed. 

She could sense the relief in Bob’s voice as he answered, “Missy, you’re the best. I got a couple of years before I retire and I really want to make the most of those years. So, we’ll delay the process until then. But in the meantime, kiddo, if you’re ever in Santa Rosa, come on into Bob Watkins Chevrolet and Buick and I’ll give you a deal you won’t believe!” 


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